Secrets
by lizandhenry
Summary: This is a little angst based on 2.03, and the various secrets Elizabeth & Henry must keep from each other about their jobs. Does contain smut.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Okay, this is based off the 2.03. I was blown away by Tim Daly's amazing acting, portraying all that inner conflict with Henry! Also he mentioned on The Talk a few weeks ago that b/c of the secrets of their jobs, there is a slight 'rift' between Elizabeth & Henry. This is my response to what happened after 2.03 ended. It's a bit more angsty than I usually write, so hope you all like it! Reviews are always appreciated & welcomed._ _Sorry for the lame title though._

Henry desperately wished he could tell his wife about his day. It pained him when he saw the look in her eyes when she asked to talk about it and he couldn't.

He hated that look, but the one he hated even more was the one in her eyes when they had wanted him to testify against her for sharing classified information. Without question he was willing to go to prison for her. He was her husband, it came naturally. But just as he would do it for her, she of course was willing to do the same for him. She begged him not to lie. But he would do anything to protect her. He hated how she struggled. Hated that it split them. It was by far the most intense 48 hours of their lives. He didn't want to risk it again. He didn't want her testifying against him. He didn't want her making that choice. He didn't want her increasingly troubled relationship with the President to get worse by some scandal. He wouldn't risk it. He knew she understood.

He also knew there was something going on that she couldn't share with him. He could just tell. He knew her inside out. He saw that she wished she could tell him her secrets too. She'd shared everything she could about her day, her battle with Sterling and her concern for her new ally Gorev. Even though he knew she was more than capable of handling it herself, the carnal, protective man inside him wanted to pummel that guy for belittling his wife. On top of his internal struggle with Dimitri, it took every ounce of his self control to keep him from doing just that. To Dalton too, if what Sterling said about Dalton's opinion that she merely had a 'lucky' first year in office were true. She fought tooth and nail for every victory, she almost died for it!

He wasn't sure though what she wasn't telling him. If it had to do with Russia, or something else entirely. He found it odd, they were both workings with Russia they couldn't share with each other. He was confident if they could, it would be better. They could solve it together, like they did with Marsh. As individuals they were powerful, but together, unstoppable.

The whole day had his blood boiling. Deep in thought after she left, he finally decided on confession. It had been 11 years. But it was the only way he could get his feelings out.

He knew what he did to Dimitri was wrong. But he was a patriot. He did it for his country. He knew the situation with Russia was teetering, in danger of war. He liked his NSA work previously. Gathering information in secret. He didn't so much like the reverse, being the boss. It was something he wasn't anticipating when he took the job. He also didn't like how they went about recruiting people. He couldn't imagine if the situation were reversed. If someone was asking him to spy on his own country for another. He never would do it.

It was Dimitri's first reaction. Hell no. In that moment, Henry knew he was right about his choice to choose him over Ivan.

What he was doing now was for his country, but part of that was asking someone to betray theirs, and what's worse, using his sister's cancer as the bait. It was wrong. If there was one thing you never messed with it was family, or health. He hated using such a tragic situation against this poor young boy. A boy who looked up to him as a professor. He was probably now suspicious of every one of his teachers.

Maybe that was the problem. He had gotten to know Dimitri before Jane asked him to recruit him. He enjoyed having him in class. The kid had a bright future. Until he ruined it.

He thought long and hard about the torture drill. He hated that they did it, but he knew it was necessary. He hated watching even more. Dimitri asked him how he slept at night. He'd slept fine. Until now. Now he knew he wouldn't find sleep. The only thought that kept crossing his mind was Elizabeth. How wished he could talk to her about it. If anyone would understand that part of the job, it would be her. She approved similar things in her CIA days. She was as distraught about it then as he was now. Eventually it drove her to quit. But to his knowledge she never had to actually watch. He silently thanked god for that, he couldn't imagine her witnessing what he just had. He couldn't help but ask himself, did he cross his ethical line? Should he quit? What would his wife think if she knew the truth about this fresh blemish on his ethical record.

******Secrets******

He felt a little better after confession. He was at least able to confess his sins. But he still needed a release.

He arrived home to find Elizabeth pacing the bedroom. "Where have you been?" she demanded. She'd stayed at the White House longer than intended, deep in thought of how to fix all the problems that suddenly plagued her. But she finally left; angry, frustrated, confused and terrified. It would all be waiting for her tomorrow.

He didn't answer her. Instead, he forcefully pulled her to him, kissing her hard. His tongue demanded entrance to her mouth as his hands cupped her breasts through her clothing, squeezing them hard.

She finally pulled back breathless, looking at him, his hands still tightly gripping her breasts. It was almost painful. She saw something she hadn't seen in some time. Within his darkened pupils she recognized his deep, carnal desire for her, his primal need to literally fuck her brains out.

"I need you baby." he gasped, his hands pushing her ass into his, letting her feel his hardness against her center.

"I'm yours." she whispered. He had built up all this frustration and anger inside him. Whatever he couldn't tell her about work was eating him alive and she understood his need for release. Maybe she needed it too.

At her permission, he locked the bedroom door and tangled his fingers in her hair, tightly holding her head in place so he could kiss the life out of her. She gave him everything she had, her tongue forcefully dueled with his as their lips pressed so tightly against one another they could barely breathe.

His hands moved from her hair to her ass, squeezing her cheeks, rubbing himself against her as he almost lifted her from the floor. He walked them back to the bed, her knees buckling when she touched the mattress. He broke the kiss finally, undoing his pants as she fell to the bed. His rock hard member appeared before her eyes, and she reached out to grip him. He bucked in her hand once and swatted it away with a growl.

Climbing on top of her, his legs nudged hers apart and his shaking fingers nearly ripped the button from her pants as he tried to get them off quickly. When they were off he reached a hand to her center. She was getting turned on, but she wasn't nearly as ready as he was.

He growled and reached for the goodie drawer with one hand frantically searching for the bottle of warming KY, while he pumped himself with the other. He didn't have time to waste, there was a fire burning inside him. He hastily squeezed a generous amount onto his dick, using it to spread it across her center and slammed into her, hard.

She had to cover her mouth with her hand as she screamed. He felt so good.

He grunted when he entered her. He didn't give her a second to adjust, he fucked her like he meant it. Her body was literally moving with every thrust. She wrapped her legs and arms around him as she held on for dear life. Tears sprang to her eyes at the pleasure pain. It was right as the cusp between pleasure and too painful. But she knew she wouldn't come. It was too intense, she could do nothing but hang on for the ride.

Her nails clawed his back as he pumped, driving him wild. "Mmpph. Babe. So tight. Feels amazing." he mumbled, he was in another world, the only thing registering was the intense pleasure, momentarily pushing his demons away as he lost himself somewhere deep inside her.

He didn't last long. He came quickly, almost violently as she clenched around him. "-Lizabeth…" he moaned as he collapsed on top of her.

They both sucked in air for a moment, their chests heaving and his sweat dripped into her blouse. When he calmed a bit, he opened his eyes, noticing the tears streaming down her cheeks. He immediately reached for them, gently brushing them away as he cupped her face, terrified he'd hurt her. "You okay babe?" he asked, planting a gentle kiss to her lips.

She gave an exhausted smile and nod as she sucked in a breath. "Just intense…"

He grinned. He kissed her gently, feeling her begin to melt into him. His heart rate began to return to normal but he still felt her body shaking. But he knew she didn't come. He had to fix that. He kissed her softly for a long time, wordlessly thanking her, before moving his lips to her neck.

His hands cupped her breasts through her blouse gently this time. She lifted up her back just enough for him to remove it and her bra. Once she was naked he replaced his hands with his mouth, being gentle with her, sucking her nipples slowly.

A soft sigh escaped her lips and he moved to her center, darting his warm tongue against her hot center, tasting their juices. He slowly lapped them up, swirling his tongue in all the right places, finally settling on her clit. He teased her and she lifted her hips in appreciation. He continued his efforts, nipping her ever so gently with his teeth, finally sending her over the edge, applying gentle pressure until her waves of pleasure slowed.

With a smile he flopped down next to her in bed and she immediately adjusted herself to settle against him. It was an intense night and her body still craved his touch. He wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head. She shivered and reached for the comforter, covering their bodies as they cooled. down

After a few moments she looked into his eyes, hers glittering with concern. "You okay now babe?" she asked him, tenderly brushing her fingers across his chest.

He nodded, he was calmer, but his eyes were still clouded with despair. "Wish I could tell you."

Offering a soft smile she whispered. "Wish I could help."

"You did." he winked playfully.

A blush creeped on her cheek and she playfully swatted his chest. "Henry, come on…."

He didn't say anything for a while and she laid her head back down, comforting him as best she could. "Can you give me a hint?" she tried, hoping they could somehow talk around the subject like they did when she was in the CIA. But Henry was better at asking non-conspicuous questions. "I might be able to think of a quote for you…."

"Hey. That's my job, " he smirked and tried to change the subject. "What about you? You okay?"

"Don't change the subject."

She wasn't exactly okay, but she was more worried about her husband. It had been years since she'd seen him this distraught.

He tilted her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." she said, rolling over slightly to face him more easily.

"You think my ethics are sexy right?" he was dead serious

"Of course."

"Babe if I could tell you, I wonder if you'd feel the same." he turned away slightly, somewhat ashamed.

Her eyes glistened with fear. "Henry what's going on?"

"I can't tell you. I want to babe. Believe me because I know you of all people will understand. You've been here." It was the only clue he could give her.

He watched her mind race as she tried to figure out his clue. She had a couple thoughts, but she wasn't 100% sure and she knew he couldn't confirm or deny. So she looked him dead on and whispered. "Henry. You know what? I can tell you right now 100% I still think your ethics are incredibly sexy. You wanna know why?"

"Why?"

She reached for his hand, holding it tight and cupped his cheek with her other hand. "Because, if whatever is happening is causing you this much pain, I know you must be doing the right thing. If you weren't at all worried about the consequences and didn't question it, then that's when I'd be worried." she offered, and pressed her lips to his. "I love you Henry, that's never going to change."

He smiled gently and kissed her back. Her response made sense to him, he felt better. He felt good that he was questioning the decisions he made. It showed he actually had ethics, as opposed to what Sterling was doing to her! While he wasn't 100% sure he did the right thing, at least he was aware it might be wrong and he could think about his future decisions more closely.

"I love you too, more than anything." he said to her.

"Glad I could help." she winked at him, and settled back against his chest.

"Babe?" he asked, rolling her slightly on her back so he could look at her. "Will you be my touchstone, tell me when I'm pushing the line?"

She smiled, she'd asked him to do the same for her when she took the job at Secretary of State. She'd questioned herself a lot as she settled into the new role, and he was doing the same. "Of course."

He kissed her cheek and smiled, finally feeling better about the situation But he saw his last request stirred up some doubt in her eyes. "Now what about you? You okay?" he asked her again.

She pondered a moment, biting her lip as she traced circles on his chest again. "Well there's a couple things…."

"Sterling?" he asked

"Yea. And not just that he's totally wrong about everything. It's this job. It's forcing me to become a politician in order to get anything done. And I didn't want to do that."

"How so?"

"Well because of Sterling. Now that he has the President's ear, and is pushing me out, I can't do my job." she sighed. "I agreed to let Mike B pull together a binder on him, so I can turn the tables on him. I don't like playing dirty and political. But if I don't, I won't be able to affect change. And if I can't affect change, why am I in this post?"

She made valid points. "Babe, just because you get the binder doesn't mean you will use it. But he started it. Hell, maybe even Conrad started it. Deep down they know they need you. They can't win the next election without you."

She frowned. It wasn't helping her political dilemma.

He saw she wasn't 100% sold on that argument. "Ok, think of it like this. He threw the first stone. You have to fight back. Like Madeline told you."

"Okay….I'm buying that more. Thank you for being my touchstone."

"And if that still doesn't work. I'll punch his lights out." Henry said, very serious. He wasn't by any means a violent man, but when someone threatened his wife, it made his blood boil.

"Henry!" she laughed.

"I will. No one threatens you and gets away with it."

"Okay Captain, settle down."

He nodded and "Now what's else is going on?"

She looked up to meet his eyes, her eyes clouding over. "That I can't tell you. But I can tell you, it terrifies me."

Henry's eyes grew concerned as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, reading her expression. "Babe, are you safe?"

"I don't know." she said as terrifying thoughts about her airplane or the president's airplane clouded her mind. What terrified her most about it was she couldn't put it past Sterling to be somehow involved. Was he testing it on the President's plane when he was onboard? Was he going to use it to hurt her? He couldn't pinpoint a motive, but it was fishy as all get go. "And I think Sterling might have something to do with it."

Henry sighed loudly, pulling her closer. There was nothing more that he could say. They both lay there, comforted against their secret jobs only by each other's love

 **Note: I might continue this (depending on how long this 'rift" continues on the show. But consider it complete for now :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: Okay Guys, first off - Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving!_

 _Second, this chapter is hot mess! I didn't want to continue this piece, but I thought it made more sense to post as a chapter 2 vs. a one off because seriously that preview for this week's episode has my mind spinning. I can't even wait for tonight. So I wrote this to attempt to get all the thoughts running through my head down and wanted to get it posted before the episode airs tonight, b/c i'm sure after I see it, it might change my story LOL. Also, even though it was a holiday, I swear this was the longest week waiting for this episode! Anyone agree? Anyway, hope you like it - maybe some of you are having the same thoughts as me - would LOVE to get your comments on this. Like I said, I think it's hot mess - but hope it makes sense to you :)_

 _Again, please consider this complete for now (unless more crazy stuff happens and I'm inspired to continue, but they get Henry and Elizabeth back to their sweet moments like we got last season - I won't have to)._

 **Secrets Part 2**

"You're my hero" she told him

It was a terrible ordeal for Stevie. But in those couple days she saw more of her husband, the one she'd missed. And it restored her faith in them, that they could persevere despite the secrets they both kept for work. She hoped Henry had learned to deal with his job, or it could have been that nothing was happening right then. Regardless, she relished in those moments where he defended her during dinner, and defended their daughter on TV.

** Secrets**

"Jason! Go to your room!"

She'd never heard Henry yell at Jason like that. She actually jumped slightly when his voice rose. Even Jason looked to her for support, but she froze, she couldn't say anything. She shot Henry a look and he looked apologetic. It was then that she knew his anger was about more than Jason's inappropriate comment.

***Secrets****

"When you were an operative, how did you know when you were in too deep?"

"I didn't. Not until it was too late."

She nestled into his arms, and he squeezed her tighter. They both stared out the window. It was becoming their new routine. Cuddling in silence, unable to comfort each other by any other means, unable to share details of their day. It was torture.

She used to be comforted when she came home, she could deal with whatever came her way at work knowing he would be home when she arrived, her solace, her light in the darkness.

But she couldn't help but wonder as she stared out the window if she was slowly losing her husband.

She remembered what she'd told Henry the night after Gorev died, "I deal with crisis after crisis while my life just passes me by." It was true, she'd felt like she was missing out on her family more than ever. It was like Baghdad all over again.

"How am I supposed to guard against things I never see coming?" it plagued her. All of her allies were dying one by one since she took office, people she considered friends. George. Yousif. Gorev. Then there were people who she thought were friends who let her down. Juliet.

Was Henry about to let her down too? What couldn't he tell her? She couldn't guard against something happening to her marriage. Henry betraying her was something she would never see coming and never be able to handle.

But then she thought back to what she told Olga. "Dr. McCord always does what he thinks is right, that's why I love him so much." It must have been serious for Henry to be this distraught and hot be able to tell her. He must have done everything he could, but maybe it wasn't good enough. Although recent events were causing her to question everything, and everyone, deep down she knew he was still the man she loved. Whatever he was doing, it had to be for the greater good. Henry wouldn't do something he thought was wrong. It wasn't who he was. She trusted that. She had to, to get through these secret filled nights.

***Secrets***

Henry had become an expert at avoiding talking. He would always turn it on her and her day. It was starting to irritate her because he knew some of her job was classified too. She did her best to open up lately, and tell him what she could, for two reasons. One, because she needed his comfort, she always did. Two, because she thought maybe if she opened up and talked about her feelings instead of events, he would do the same.

"God forbid we should talk."

She could tell he was frustrated with the fact he couldn't tell her. But then he started flirting and she let it go. At least they were connecting on something.

But as they went to bed, their flirting was just that. It didn't go any further and they slept. No pillow talk, no sex. Just them coming home to their shared bed, after having lived separate lives.

***Secrets****

Henry saw the blackout on TV and he knew the US was responsible. Elizabeth had been in the weeds on Russia and he when he confronted her when she arrived home, she hoped she would tell him - it was on the news for godsakes.

But she didn't. She gave him the "official white house position." It pissed him off.

"I thought being on the verge of a war would change the rules."

"Nope."

He had to give her credit for trying to deflect and drop the subject. But he couldn't. He couldn't live with himself if he could have prevented a war. He walked away before he lost it with his wife.

Before bed that evening she sat waiting for him to arrive in the bedroom.

"What was that downstairs?" she demanded to know.

"What was what?"

"Henry. Do you value our relationship, our family, so little that you are willing to go to jail?

"Of course I value...Elizabeth!" his anger was reawakened

"Henry! I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I don't like it. You are snapping at the kids. Now you're snapping at me…..I"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." he said softly, genuinely, trying to pull her into his arms but she squirmed out. "Baby…"

"No! Henry, I get that you have something important you need to say. But you CANT say it to me. You can't." she cried frantically. "If you go to jail, I…..I"

Her cries sent her into a panic attack. She hadn't had one in a long time and Henry immediately leapt to her aide. "Elizabeth. Deep breaths." he said softly, urging her to sit on the bench at the foot of their bed. He pushed her head between her legs and rubbed her back. "Deep breaths."

As he took the fifteen minutes to calm her he thought about everything. It had all just come to a breaking point. She was absolutely right that he had been a jerk lately. He'd snapped at all of the kids, more than once, and now he was snapping at her. He'd tried to avoid it by just not talking, but now when he was finally forced to confront all the issues facing him as they collided with hers in an act of war, the floodgates opened and it sent her reeling back to Iran.

When she had calmed he offered her a sip of water and pulled her into his arms. This time she let him. "I'm sorry baby," he whispered, kissing her hair.

He felt her sob against him. "I know…." she sniffled. She knew it was his job that was causing this, not him. But she still couldn't manage it any longer.

Pulling back she looked into his concerned, worried eyes. Worry for her, worry for them, worry for their country. "Henry listen to me. Please."

"I'm listening." he promised her.

"I know there's stuff going on, and you can't tell me. Believe me, I wish you could. I wish I could tell you too and we could figure out this mess together. But something is eating you alive at work. I can see it because it happened to me too. You had to pull me out before I went to Baghdad."

It was the last time they fought like this. Baghdad. She'd quit. For her family. It was hard for her to do at first, because she was in too deep to see clearly. Henry had finally pulled her out. She never regretted her choice once she made it. Her family was her everything. She understood duty to your country, at a young age. Her father was a soldier and her mother was a military nurse, it was how they met. She grew up around the world, moving from post to post for her father's assignments. Then one day they died in car accident when they had left the base for a date. Elizabeth was only 14. Her brother was 16.

But since then, it was always country first - like her parents taught her. Until she had a family of her own, she had to learn where to draw the line between duty and family. She'd lost her family once, she'd never let it happen again. She drew the line on living apart from them. So she quit. Then nearly 10 years after she'd drew that line, she'd almost died in Iran. Her line had to be re-drawn. Even though she told the judge she would risk her life again, she wasn't sure she actually would again after seeing her family so distraught. She couldn't put them through that.

"If there is something that important that we're not being told in the situation room, Henry - you need to go to Russell or your boss, anyone… but it can't be me - and make sure that the information is brought forth. Then the President will decide how to move forward. But damn it, I can't lose you! Neither can the kids." she begged.

He looked deep into her eyes. She was genuinely terrified of losing him. He hated that look in here eye. It was then that remembered the promise they made to each other about family first. He couldn't lose her. She was his everything, she and the kids. She was right. What was he thinking? He couldn't go to jail and leave them. "Okay…." he simply said, kissing her forehead. "You won't lose me. I promise."

She clung to him as he held her. "I love you."

"I love you too."

After a few minutes she broke apart again. "Henry, there's one more thing…..and just as you never asked me to do so with Baghdad, I don't want to ask you. I'd never ask you to quit a job you love. But…..I…...I want you to think seriously about quitting."

He looked at her, brushing the tears from her eyes. He understood just how hard it was to ask. He'd had to do so 10 years ago.

"I want you to consider it because, as much as you might love it, it's changing you, changing us….and I can't take it anymore. I need my husband. And I know my job is just as demanding, but I've gotten used to it, and I can talk around it. But with both of us….it's just too much."

Henry smiled at her. "I've been thinking of quitting for a while now."

She looked relieved. "You have?"

"Yea. I keep thinking about what you said, "i'd quit this job in a heartbeat if it threatened what we have."

She smiled at him, gripping his hand as his face dropped. "But I can't…..not right now."

Tears pooled in her eyes again.

"Baby…." he said, turning her chin. " I can't say much, but there's a boy….a former student. I know I shouldn't have made it personal, but I need to make sure he's okay. So I can't quit until…."

"Thank you" she whispered and kissed him. They kissed gently for a long time. She was just glad in that moment, that he wasn't going to jail. She wasn't sure how long she'd have to continue to battle the secrets they kept, but at least she knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
